Hey gorgeous - we only know what we know...right!? But sometimes, when the way we see our self and our life stops serving us, we need a different window to look out from.
That’s what soul work, therapy, and a safe loving sisterhood of authentic “cleaning their shit up” women has done for me. Given me a different window to look out from. And with it, a different view of what it means to be me,,,what healthy love looks like,,,what self-love is and isn’t ,,,what beauty & value there are in the hard parts of my story,,,and what a big brave beautiful life looks like for me.
Sister- here’s the thing about us humans. We keep standing in front of the same window because it’s the only one we know. We don’t even realize there are different views. We just assume that, love- life- us-,,, it all looks the same, whatever the window. We don’t know what we don’t know. Until, or unless something forces a different view, we keep believing this is it. This is THE way it all looks. We stay there- as Pink Floyd would say, “comfortably numb”....Or until we’re not.
Sometimes we get lucky and a powerful experience, or a highly influential person comes into our life and gives us a peek out their window- and we begin to realize there may be a different view available to us. And sometimes life gets so incredibly painful that we begin to seek out a different view on our own. We say, “there has got to be a better way, Is there a better way?” That’s what happened to me.
I had been standing in front of a window where I was comfortably numb. The goodness of life was enough that I didn’t question whether there was a different or better view. I accepted that the current way of seeing myself and my life was it. Then life got turned upside down and some very hard things came rolling out from under the carpet. Things I couldn’t hide from - pain so wide and so deep I had to seek out a different view or be engulfed by it.
That meant diving into soul work, getting into therapy, and seeking out a sisterhood of support. Three of the very best things I’ve ever done. What I found through these experiences was new ways to see myself and my life. New windows to look out from and a realization that maybe the old window had some distortions that weren’t serving me.
The Old View & The Beauty Of The New
For me, my old view was a codependent one. One where being a good loving person meant I should never say no, and never have boundaries. I saw life as “either or”…. where I had to choose between being the martyr who gives herself up in order to love others, or is the asshole who takes from others. Because I didn’t see that it could be an “AND”….that I could be loving AND have boundaries. I believed love looked like making others comfortable at the cost of my own truth, and being agreeable and accommodating even when it meant abandoning myself, because I didn’t know it was ok to have my truth matter too. And I believed that the most loving thing I could do was to be your hero and save you from your pain and discomfort, because I didn’t know that it was each person’s job to become their own hero. And that in reality, I was robbing you of your chance to be your own hero. I saw it as my job as a mom and nana to hold up the world of those around me and if my people were hurting, then I was failing…I was a failure, because I couldn’t see that even our children have their own journeys to travel. And that even when you show up and love them the best way you know how, hard stuff happens and they will struggle their way through it….and that’s ok, it’s the way life is.
I'll be honest…the path getting here has been paved with blood, sweat, and a river of tears...and courage, did I say courage? But having a new window to look out from is amazing. Having a view where it’s an “AND”,,,where I get to be a whole person who loves others AND herself ,,,where boundaries are not only allowed but are healthy,,,where my truth AND your truth can both matter equally,,,where the most loving thing means sitting with you in the discomfort of your pain and allowing you struggle so that you can discover that you are your own hero,,,where being a mom/nana who knows she can’t save her tribe from all the hard struggles but keeps showing up with a heart full of her best love and says, “I know it’s hard, I know you’re hurting, I’m here with you, and I know you will be ok because I know you can do hard things” is the good-enough kind of mom I need to be.
A New View For You Too Sis
So Sister – no matter where you’re standing right now. If it’s a hard place, or just comfortably numb…I want you to know that there is a different view waiting for you. A different way of seeing that you can’t see until you take the step to a new window. Is soul work scary…yep. Is looking at the hard stuff super uncomfortable…hell yes. Is finding a safe loving sisterhood where you can be seen and known hard…uh yeah. BUT IT’S POSSIBLE….and it’s so WORTH IT!! No kidding – Shannon and I say this to each other all the time. We say things like…”Oh my gosh, how did I not know this before?! I can hardly believe I used to see life / myself that way. I’m so grateful I see a different view now!” And then we remind ourselves how we don’t know what we don’t know, and that we’ve always been doing the best we can. That we will always be learning, growing, and becoming, and that please god, in another 5 years we will be saying…”Can you believe I didn’t know this before!?!”
Come on, join us Sis…do the uncomfortable thing and jump into your soul work. We’ve got you…we’re here with you. We can find a new view. It doesn’t mean you have to throw out everything from the old window…keep what’s working, but step into more. I think it will surprise and make you say….”Oh my gosh, how did I not know this before!?! I’m so grateful I see a different view now!!”
Here’s to big love and a big beautiful view. You're loved here friend...you are!!