Updated: Jan 27, 2019
Letting go of hustle and people pleasing...some things I've learned along the way. Some were surprising, some pissed me off, but a few were real game changers. This little power house was one of them...I'll tell you why.
What you should know about me...
I love deep and fierce...If you're mine, I'm going to love you with all I have. I'm going to care deeply, feel deeply and give deeply...that's who I am and how I learned to love...period. Sounds pretty great, right? Problem is my love got all tangled up with other (not so pretty lies about myself and what love is) and came out looking like over functioning and people pleasing. On good days it felt like love, but on more days than I care to admit it felt like I was holding up the whole damn world. And on the worst days it felt like exhaustion, overwhelm, and resentment. Ever feel that way? I think so many of us do, but we just think it’s the price we have to pay for being a loving person. (Spoiler alert…that’s a lie!!)
After arriving at the corner of, "sick and tired of sick and tired" and, "there's got to be a better way", I finally set out to find my truth and untangle the lies.
Here's what I learned...
Being a people pleaser isn't so much about being a big hearted saint as it is a hustle for worth. Whaaat…you mean all that pleasing and there isn’t even a feast day waiting to be named after me!!! Ouch.
Turns out - when our worth is negotiable, we hustle for it. And our worth becomes negotiable whenever we allow it to be tied to, defined or dictated by, something or someone outside ourselves. AND, when our sense of security comes from the outside (“If you’re ok, then I'm ok”), we over function for it. H-e-l-l-o…
Let me say it again---When our worth is negotiable, we HUSTLE for it...period!! When our sense of okay-ness is negotiable, we over function for it…period!! For me, hustling looks like a saint in a super hero cape…it’s swooping in rescuing and fixing, keeping it all together, getting it all done, being everything to everyone, managing other’s “happy”, saying yes when I mean no, having zero needs, and doing it all with a smile on my face and an “I’m fine” on my lips. Ugh…how exhausting, how impossible…is that even a person??? Uhhh…NO!
Here's the other thing...
Not only is all this people pleasing and over functioning exhausting to the doer of the deed…it isn’t actually all that loving or helpful to the receivers. (Crap…another hard truth!) Here’s why – When we do for other’s what they can and should do for themselves (because actually, we need them to be ok in order for us to feel ok), we send the message that they are not capable of managing their life, and we rob them of the of the reward of being their own hero. Yikes…not exactly what we we’re going for.
When our worth is negotiable, we hustle for it.
So what’s a people pleaser to do…
Let me just say...when I realized there was a healthier way of loving, and dove in to do the work of figuring it out - one of the scariest parts was wondering if I could keep being a big hearted me (which is really me), AND not be an over functioning people pleaser. So if you’re wondering that too, just know – it’s not only possible to keep your big heart, but in the end you actually become MORE loving, because you’re loving from a place of abundant wholeness. And sister, wholeness is where it’s at!!
Awesome you say, but HOW. Well, it all starts with awareness and telling yourself the truth. Ask yourself…where’s my worth here? If my worth wasn't on the table, would I still be doing this thing? If I didn’t need this to feel okay, would this still be the right thing to do? Here’s where you have to be dirty dog honest. Warning - it can be ouchie to the ego. So no judgments here, ONLY CURIOSITY. Remember, all this hustle is just our little girl trying to be good and earn her gold star. She deserves our compassion, not our judgment.
Here’s the GOLD….
“DOWN GIRL” - This little mantra has been a game changer to calm down the over functioning people pleaser in me. No kidding…simple but so stink’n powerful. Basically, it works like this – When I find myself hustling for my worth, or over functioning out of my own discomfort, I (silently) tell myself… #downgirl. This interrupts the old pattern and reminds that part of myself that she can relax, because I got this!! It reminds me to take my worth off the table, and to let others be their own hero.
For real…it’s quick, clear, and super effective. Shannon and I crack up when I tell her. “it was a Down Girl moment” she knows exactly what I mean. (Ha – so good to have people that get my brand of crazy!!)
Sister, if you have a little (or a lot) of hustle & over function in your game, I encourage you to make this little mantra your own.
Here's to “Down Girl-ing” our way back to our most beautiful, worthy, and whole selves. We really are worth it - you're worth it!!
Big Love -
For more learning, inspiration, and badassery - subscribe to our tribe at soulchicks.com