Updated: Nov 4, 2019
If we’re not telling our emotional truth with radical honestly, people - our people - won’t know where to find us.
Sometimes when we’re hurting, it feels like we’re all alone- like no one understands how bad we’re hurting, or how much we need to be seen, heard and supported...but then that might just be because we’re not telling our truth.
Sister...this was sooooo me. There was a time in my life when I was drowning in pain and shame, but instead of telling the truth, I hid behind a forced smile and an, “I’m fine”...when the truth was that I was completely lost and barely hanging on.
HERE’S THE THING I HAD TO LEARN >>> People can’t show up for me when they can’t even find me. And they can’t find me if I don’t tell them the truth of where I am.
I had people that cared deeply and wanted to show up for me...but I was lying to them about where to find me. They were showing up to meet me on the corner of “Fine” and “Okay, because that’s where I said I was. But in truth, I was lost and alone somewhere deep in the forest of “pain” and “shame”.
I was too scared to tell the truth of my suffering because I was afraid people couldn’t handle it, that they might decide it was too much for them and leave me there alone. I was afraid of the judgment that might come with it even if they did stick around. I was also afraid of being a burden. I didn’t want the people I loved to have to carry the weight of my pain. So I lied, hid out, and suffered alone when I didn’t need to.
Does any of this sound familiar? I get it. In fact, I decided to talk about it now because I hear this from so many other beautiful women. Women believing, they need to hide the truth of their pain…minimizing it, or apologizing for it…as if somehow it makes them less worthy of love and belonging. As women we are so often taught to believe that the world can’t handle our darkness. That unless we are farting sunshine and daisies, we are too much. That, dear friend…is a dangerous lie that keeps us caged up and cut off from the very real love and support that is available to us.
It breaks my heart to think how many of us sit and suffer alone because of this lie, when connection is the very thing that will heal us. When I finally told my truth, I discovered the opposite of what my fear had told me. My truth was my connection to love, not a barrier to it. My truth was my path to healing, not a ticket to abandonment. Because it told others where to find me.
Yes, it’s true, not everyone on the list of people that I thought would show up for me, did. Did that hurt….Yes, a lot. But I also learned that I didn’t need everyone in my life to show up for me, a few trusted souls were enough. Even if it were only one, it would have been enough. Because what I learned is that all we really need, is for our pain to be witnessed with compassion, to be heard and seen. For a compassionate witness to sit with us and say… “I hear you, I see your pain, it matters to me because you matter. Your darkness does not scare me. I have it too, we all do. We are all strength and struggle. I know you’re afraid, and that’s okay. And I know it may not feel like it now, but I know you will get through this, because I also know that you’re strong, smart, courageous, beautiful and capable.”
Oh friend, I can’t even tell you the healing that came when I finally allowed myself to be found. When I discovered that my truth was NOT too much. That I was allowed to have pain and darkness and still be worthy of love and connection. When I discovered that I was allowed to be fully human.
Sis- this is true for ALL of us. You are no exception. Your pain, your darkness, your struggle…however big or small…it makes you human. Which it turns out, is the only requirement for love and belonging….being human. Being fully human – that’s our ticket to healing, to connection, to wholeness, and ultimately to freedom.
So Sister let’s make a deal with each other right now – Ok? Let’s promise to tell our emotional truth with radical honesty. If we’re happy and filled with light, farting sunshine and daisies, let’s say it loud and proud. AND…if we’re lost, hurting, drowning in pain…let’s say that too – just as loud. Let’s tell the trusted souls in our life where to find us. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, not every single person will be able to show up for us as we need. And yes, that will hurt. Yes, it’s hard, and yes, it takes courage. But it’s not as hard as suffering in silence, as feeling alone, caged up and cut off from the love that is available to us.