A few days ago I was having my morning quiet time and thinking about how change doesn't feel so scary to me anymore, not like it used to. And how I think it's because I am learning to stay with myself. And how when we do that - then when we aren't so afraid of being abandoned or left behind because we are with our self wherever we go. We literally can't be abandoned when we learn to stay with our self. No matter what comes and goes outside our self, if we stay, we become abandon proof. And with that comes a spectacular freedom.
I spent most of my life believing a lie that there wasn't enough room for both my feelings, my needs, and theirs. Somewhere in my early years my young self decided to give this meaning to some of the things I'd experienced. So I made a rule out of it, then an agreement.
The rule said...."It's an either /or. You have to choose between their feelings, their needs, or yours. There's not room for both." So in order to be a good person and a nice girl...I made an agreement with myself that said...."I agree to shrink back and not be a burden. To choose their feelings, their needs over mine. I will abandon myself when necessary." But what my little girl didn't know, is that she was creating an agreement that was based on a lie.
This lie would follow me for years and years, running an unconscious script of the silent agreement I'd made long ago...until one day I hit a wall and I just couldn't abandon myself anymore. And so I decided to ask ...is it true? Is this really the way the world works? Does caring for the feelings and needs of the people in my life really mean I have to abandon mine? Is it really an either/or? Could it be a both/and?
It's been a journey unlearning that lie, unraveling it's fingers around my life and my relationships. But here's what I'm learning.....not only is it okay for me to take up space in this world - but that's what I'm supposed to do. Because when I live a life abandoning myself, I unconsciously put a death grip on my life and the people in it. I unfairly expect life to never disappoint me, and for others to fill up the part of me I keep abandoning. That's not exactly the most beautiful way to live.
Here's what else I'm learning...I can make new rules and new agreements anytime I need to. New rule... The universe is abundant. There is space enough for my feelings, and my needs along with theirs. New agreement... I will never abandon myself no matter how uncomfortable it gets. I will not make life, or my people responsible to fill up the part of me that is mine to fill. I will choose to stay with myself, to honor my feelings and my needs...AND- at the same time honor theirs.
Sister - I see so many of us living under this lie. Abandoning ourselves in the name of being a good mom, wife, daughter, or friend. I want us all to hear what it's taken me so long to learn...Love does not ask us to abandon our self - it asks us to be with our self. To love our self, respect our self, and become our self, so that we can set our life, our self, and our beloved free to be all we are meant to be. There is so much beauty and so much freedom when we learn to stay with our self.
Here's to staying with our self Sis...may we live with a fire in our heart that only comes when we've learned that we are abandon proof.
Big Love -