When nothing in my life was the same or "normal", what was the thing that I learned to do to create a new normal?
I learned how to "re-frame" events and celebrations. When my divorce happened there were so many things in my history that felt hard- certain dates, anniversaries, birthdays, and other "milestones" that I once held dear, which now can be oh so painful. And for awhile, there was pain around those events. I had to grieve what I thought would be, then I had to learn to how to "rename and reframe" those events to fit this new normal of divorce, and starting over.
What I learned was that I get to choose how I look at these events. I have the opportunity to either be sad about them.....or reframe them, and still remember them, celebrate them in a healthier way that fits with my values.
Here's what I did- Note: this is my individual story & my experiences. And I'm sharing them in hopes it will help a broken hearted soul to move forward.
Let's begin with the wedding anniversary. No matter how long you may have been married- memories and experiences that were BIG events hold so much meaning....right?
And My anniversary means a ton to me- and I needed to somehow take the pain of what it now meant away- to neutralize it. So, I choose to re-frame, now calling it my "Familyversary."
My Familyversery is the day that I chose to start a family. And so, I do choose to still recognize it with my two young adult children. It is STILL an important day for me and If I hadn't chose to start a family on this day, my boys would not be here.... SO, I choose to continue to celebrate, in a different way.
If we can, we go out to a nice dinner and I exchange cards with them. We enjoy each other's company and a special meal- time together.
When we cannot be together, I am sure to call them.
The miracle that happened by reframing my anniversary into my familyversary, was that
I took the power back and reframed the experience into something that my heart needed.
Is it hard? Yes. Has it made a difference in how I approach & experience what was once traumatic? Hell YES!
I have learned to re-frame in other situations too. Hard things come up....I have a choice to pity party it up.....OR to RE-Frame the "thing" into an "Opportunity to learn." See how that takes the pity party right out? This has been a journey, with so much learning- and you know what? I'm ok. I get to celebrate what is sacred to me- in my own new way. I get to choose how to respond to life.
I'm so happy to share what has worked for me with you. Divorce is freaking hard, AND we have so much to grieve to get to the other side of it. To me, it's not something that I can forget, or deny- but in my Starting over, I choose to feel all the feelings around the grief and anger, AND choose to be kind and loving to myself by offering myself grace when a difficult day shows up...and to reframe when the opportunity comes my way.