Updated: Jun 2, 2019
My dirty little secret...sometimes I have to dig deep not to resent another woman's accomplishments and the good things happening in her life. Sometimes those gremlins whisper lies in my ear...saying things like - "Look at her over there knocking it out of the park, pulling it all together and making it look easy. You're falling a little short there missy!! You should be that smart, brave, accomplished, creative, confident...(fill in the blank). She's getting all the good stuff, and look at you over here just trying to figure stuff out." But here's the thing... I do NOT want to be that woman who believes that lie - who lives from a place of scarcity, comparison, and not enough-ness. So I work hard not to be. I work hard to tell myself the truth and to trust my own worth. And most days I authentically celebrate my Sister for all she's worth...most days it feels true and easy...but even still, there are times I have to fake it 'til I make it.
Sister- I believe this darkness resides in all of us. As Abby Wamback says in her new book Wolfpack, "Championing each other as women can be difficult, because for so long we've been pitted against each other for the token seat at the table...Scarcity has been planted inside us. This is not our fault, but it is our problem to solve." Wow...yes Abby, yes! So many of the beautiful sisters that have come to our Soul Chicks events have a fear about opening themselves up to other women...they want it, they crave it, they even need it...but they fear it because they have been wounded by the sting of jealousy and the cutting pain of gossip and judgement. I've been on both sides, and whether your the victim or the perpetrator...both sides suck. When we're the victim, we are betrayed by our sister. When we're the perpetrator, we betray ourself. We abandon our values and sell out to the fear and scarcity gremlins. It's always a lose-lose game.
In those moments where the gremlin lies appear, I used to sit there, beating myself up for having those dark feelings of jealousy and resentment, and waiting for the Self-less Fairy to show up with my feelings of shared joy and celebration. But I learned that it doesn't work that way. We can sit at the corner of "resentment & wanting to do better" all day long, but unless we take action, we just stay there, drowning in shame and wishing for better. But here's the thing...we CAN change it. We can fake it until we make it, and we can take action to make it happen. We can start to flush out the lies we are holding and start to tell ourselves the truth...the truth that goodness & joy are abundant. The truth that goodness & joy are meant for ALL of us...that we are all doing our best, and that our sister's "better and more" does NOT equal less for us. And that when the tides rise, ALL boats in the harbor rise. That we are enough and our sister is enough...it's not a zero sum game...it's an AND/BOTH. Most importantly, we don't have to wait for our feelings to lead us, instead our choices can lead us, our intention can lead us.
One of the greatest gifts that's come from doing my own soul work, excavating the lies and limiting beliefs and stepping into my own worth has been SISTERHOOD. True authentic sisterhood, where we celebrate each other, accept each other, and lift each other up in all of our true messy humanity. What I now know for sure is this....My sister's goodness and accomplishment does not take from mine - it multiplies it!!! When I finally began to put down my armor of perfection and give myself permission to be a flawed messy human, I could connect with all my sisters in the place of our common humanity. That place where none of us are doing any of it perfectly; where we're all just doing our best...where we all rise, fall, and rise again. As corny as it may sound, when I meet myself in that place I find all of my sisters there too. And I find that I belong to my sister and she to me...her victories are mine, and her joy mine. But when i don't. When instead I'm listening to those gremlin voices, I know it's because i'm sitting under the armor of perfection, holding myself to some ridiculous standard, separated from my own humanity, and as result separated from my sister. But now, I know how to find my way back, and just as importantly, I know I don't have to wait.
So Sis - let's not wait until we feel good enough, accomplished enough, abundant enough, or secure enough to celebrate our sister, to lift her up. Let's do it now. Do it when we have a twinge of jealousy in our heart, do it now when our dirty little truth is that we feel a bit resentful, a bit tempted to toss out a judgement or criticism because we didn't think of that idea - do that thing - or accomplish that goal. Let's forgive ourself for believing the lie of scarcity, for hiding behind the armor of perfection and not trusting our own worth. Let's tell ourself the truth. Let's give ourself permission to be human, and let's get on with lifting each other up. We've got epic shit to do, and it's so much better when we do it together....Let's Sister Up!!!